This was written before Bush's decision, FWIW...:
Couples: State of Our Unions
If marriage is in trouble, don't blame gays. Straights changed the rules
By Barbara Kantrowitz
Newsweek
March 1 issue - Amber Settle, a 35-year-old associate professor of computer science at DePaul University in Chicago, is eight months pregnant and unmarried. Not so long ago, that would have been downright scandalous. But Settle and Andre Berthiaume, 35, also an associate professor at DePaul, feel no pressure to make their eight-year relationship official, despite the imminent arrival of their baby. Instead, they've drawn up powers of attorney and custody, and child-support agreements in case of a breakup. They also plan to update their wills. A marriage license? Not any time soon. More important than that "piece of paper," says Settle, "is that we make sure our relationship is strong ... We will be Mom and Dad in every way that's important."
While critics contend that same-sex weddings will destroy the "sanctity" of traditional unions, researchers say that it's actually heterosexual couples like Settle and Berthiaume who are redefining marriage—not only in this country but throughout the Western world. Over the past few decades, they've made walking down the aisle just another lifestyle choice. The old model—marriage and then kids—has given way to a dizzying array of family arrangements that reflect more lenient attitudes about cohabitation, divorce and children born out of wedlock. In fact, says University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, author of "The Case for Marriage," gay couples are "really swimming against the tide. What they want is something that maybe heterosexual couples take for granted: the social, religious and legal recognition of a union—to be able to say to the clerk at the grocery store, 'My husband is right behind me. He has the money'."
This increasingly diverse family album could be a reason why gay marriage has struck a nerve. The institution of marriage is so battered that many consider gay unions the last straw, says Princeton historian Hendrik Hartog, author of "Man and Wife in America." "They see gay marriage as a boundary case"; in other words, a line too far. But if the past is a guide, that line is going to keep moving no matter who objects.
Scholars say the evolution of marriage is nothing new; it's an institution in constant flux, always responding to the particular needs of each era. "Throughout much of history, if you acted like you were married, then you were treated like you were married," says Stephanie Coontz of Evergreen State University, a historian of marriage. Religion, a major part of the current defense of traditional marriage in this country, didn't even enter the picture, Coontz says, until the ninth century, and then only to prevent European aristocrats from marrying close relatives. The goal was not to stop incest but to make sure noble families didn't consolidate too much power. (Commoners could still hook up with anyone they fancied.)
Even a century ago, a time that many people might look upon with nostalgia, marriage was hardly the stuff of hearts and flowers. In this country, women were essentially the property of their husbands, with few rights. If an American woman married a foreigner, she automatically lost her citizenship; a man who did the same kept his. Until the 1970s, there was no concept of marital rape because husbands "owned" their wives' sexuality. Interracial marriages and birth control were illegal in many states until the late 1960s.
To see what the future holds, Americans could look to Europe, where marriage rates are plummeting and illegitimate births are the norm—prompting widespread concern about how to promote family stability, especially for children. "We've moved from de jure to de facto marriage," says Kathleen Kiernan of the London School of Economics. She estimates that 50 percent of 25- to 34-year-olds in Europe are cohabiting. The numbers are highest, perhaps 70 percent, in Scandinavia, especially Sweden. The Swedes have even created their own term for someone who cohabits: "sambo," a word that appears on official forms besides the options "married" and "single." Another new word, "sarbo," refers to people who consider themselves a couple but live apart.
Europeans lead the way on gay marriage as well. The Netherlands became the first country to legalize same-sex marriages, in 2001; Belgium followed a year ago. Many countries, including Norway, Sweden, Denmark and its province Greenland, have registered partnership laws for heterosexual couples that extend some benefits to gays. Germany has quietly expanded rights for cohabiting couples, while in 1998, France approved the Pacte Civil de Solidarite—a kind of intermediate step between casual cohabitation and formal marriage that provides tax and health benefits.
In this country, marriage still remains the ideal for most people, although a lifetime with one person is increasingly elusive. Marriage is a symbol, says sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University, "that you have created a good personal life." It's also good for a family's wealth and emotional health. Married couples have more assets, says Evelyn Lehrer, a professor of economics at the University of Illinois at Chicago. It's also a hedge. "There's a pooling of risks," Lehrer says. "If one spouse becomes unemployed, the other can respond and increase the level of work." Married couples also live longer and are better adjusted. Having someone around to watch out for you helps, Lehrer says. There's also considerable research showing that children reared in stable, two-parent families thrive; having kids is still a big reason many people ultimately head down the aisle.
Although there are no national statistics on how many people marry in religious ceremonies today, most experts believe that the number is steadily declining, as fewer Americans describe themselves as affiliated with a religion. But religion can keep couples together. Studies show that people who marry within a religious community are somewhat more likely to stay married than people with no affiliation. Marrying someone of the same or similar religion also improves the odds of staying together, says Lehrer, even if one partner converts. Drawing on research on Roman Catholics and Protestants, she says, "couples [from] the same religion through conversion are at least as stable as when they're raised in the same faith."
While popular shows like "The Bachelor" make a fetish of courtship rituals, most people say what they're really looking for is a partner who can share life's burdens. Educated women used to be the least likely to get married; now they're the most likely because of their earning power. "Marriage today is less of an ego trip and more of an economic bargain for men," says Cherlin. Women with low levels of education are the least likely to find a spouse—a troubling situation since they are also most in need of the financial support that a husband could provide. A big problem is that the men most available to them as partners tend to be of the same educational level and therefore have limited earning potential, which also makes them less desirable husband material.
Even for people from nontraditional backgrounds, the romantic ideal of marriage endures. Hillary Gross, 24, grew up with four unmarried parents. Her biological parents divorced when she was a year old and quickly entered into new relationships that have endured for decades. Still, she longs to marry. "I'd really like to have one person that I give my all to," she says. She was recently in a long-term relationship that she thought might end in a wedding. It didn't, and she's readjusting her dream. Same plot, with a new leading man—and maybe even a happy ending.
With Pat Wingert, Karen Springen, Julie Scelfo, Joan Raymond and bureau reports
© 2004 Newsweek, Inc.
TM "Do it 'till you're sick of it. Do it 'till you can't do it no more." Jesse Winchester
